DATE EVERYTHING REVIEW: I CAME LOOKING FOR A JOKE AND FOUND MY SOULMATE (IT'S A LAMP)
Ever wondered what would happen if you lost your job to an AI, got gifted a pair of magical horny sunglasses, and then immediately tried to fuck your liquor cabinet? Date Everything answers that question with a resounding "Yes," but what's truly insane is that after the initial wave of laughter, you might actually catch feelings.
A Masterclass in Character and Chaos
Let's get the obvious out of the way: this game is a work of unhinged genius. The premise is a Trojan horse. You think you're getting a simple gimmick, but you're really getting a masterclass in character design and comedic writing. The 2D art is stunning, turning mundane household items into a vibrant cast of hotties, himbos, and everything in between. The voice acting is so stacked it's borderline criminal. Did I expect to hear Matt Mercer, the voice of a thousand epic adventures, as my D20, ready to guide me on a TTRPG one-shot? No, but in hindsight, it makes perfect sense. Did I know I needed Ben Starr, the voice of Clive Rosfield, to be every single door in my house? Absolutely not, but now I can't live without it.
The first few hours are a delirious fever dream of comedy gold. I got dissed by a rapping French toilet named Jean Loo Pissoir. I was crooned at by my Elvis-impersonating shower. The writing is sharp, the puns are relentless, and every new interaction is a joyous surprise.
This House is a Goddamn Soap Opera
I came into this game expecting to have a series of isolated, weird conversations. What I found was a thriving, dysfunctional ecosystem of drama. This isn't just about you dating objects; the objects are already dating (and breaking up with) each other. I walked in on a full-blown domestic dispute between Washford the washing machine and Drysdale the dryer. I listened to Friar Errol, a zealot air fryer, preach the good word of his oil-free gospel to the other, more traditional kitchen appliances. I even had to mediate a toxic relationship between my dirty laundry and the clothes hamper. The game makes the house feel alive, not just with characters, but with a pre-existing society of gossip and interpersonal drama that you're just now becoming privy to. It’s brilliant.
The Character Buffet (Don't Expect a Seven-Course Meal)
Okay, let's address the elephant in the room. With over 100 dateable characters, are you going to get a deep, 40-hour romance arc with each one? Fuck no. And that's okay. This isn't a seven-course meal; it's the most eclectic and exciting character buffet you've ever been to. Some "routes" are a satisfying snack: a few witty lines, a completed quest, and you're done. Others offer a little more to chew on, with backstories and side quests that add surprising emotional weight.
My whirlwind romance with a charming cardboard box was over in about ten minutes, but that doesn't make it any less memorable. The game prioritizes breadth over depth, and it's a deliberate, smart choice. The goal isn't to marry the dishwasher; it's to experience the sheer, joyful absurdity of a world where everything has a story to tell, even if it's a short one.
More Than Just a Pretty Face (And a Sexy Lamp)
Beneath the chaotic surface, there's a surprisingly solid RPG-lite system at play. Every time you reach a milestone with a character—be it love, friendship, or pure hatred—you boost one of five stats: Poise, Smarts, Empathy, Sass, or Charm. These stats, in turn, unlock new dialogue options with other characters, creating a satisfying gameplay loop where befriending the nerdy computer helps you sweet-talk the stoic table.
The game is also wonderfully inclusive, with a massive range of personalities and body types, and it handles its more sensitive subject matter with care, giving you clear content warnings you can opt out of. It’s a feel-good game that, between the jokes about horny furniture, actually has a lot to say about self-respect and finding connections in the most unexpected places.
The Verdict
I came into Date Everything expecting a one-note joke, a flimsy gimmick to laugh at for an hour before uninstalling. I was wrong. This game is a monumental achievement of creativity, humor, and heart. It's a celebration of character design, a showcase for some of the best voice talent in the industry, and a powerful reminder that games don't always have to take themselves so seriously to be meaningful. While the individual relationships might be brief, the collective experience is a massive, unforgettable, and hilarious adventure. Go date your vacuum cleaner. You might just like it.
Score: 9.0/10 - A hilarious, heartfelt, and horny masterpiece. Game of the Year.
We at NLM received a key for this game for free, this however didn't impact our review in any way.