Mars Attracts Review: My New Favorite Human Zoo Simulator is a Glorious, Twisted Mess
Some ideas are so profoundly stupid they loop all the way back around to being genius. A theme park management sim based on Tim Burton’s campy, 1996 sci-fi bomb Mars Attacks! is one of those ideas. It feels like a lost artifact from the golden age of weird PC gaming, a direct spiritual descendant of classics like Theme Hospital and Afterlife.
When I first booted up Mars Attracts, I was braced for a janky, low-effort cash grab clinging to a 30-year-old license. What I got instead was one of the most charming, darkly hilarious, and dangerously addictive management sims I’ve played in years. My sleep schedule is in ruins, and I couldn't be happier.
The Business of Abduction
At its core, Mars Attracts is a solid park builder. You take on the role of a Martian CEO tasked with turning a dusty patch of red dirt into a bustling tourist attraction. You’ll build rides, place amenities, manage staff, and fret over profit margins. The usual stuff. The twist, of course, is that your main exhibits are abducted humans.
You send your flying saucers out on expeditions across time to snatch up cavemen, Romans, and cowboys, then build enclosures for them that cater to their… historical needs. Keeping these human specimens content is a puzzle in itself. Each captive has unique traits; one might be a loner who hates crowds, while another might be a kleptomaniac who keeps stealing decorations. A happy human makes for a good exhibit. An unhappy human makes for an even better science experiment.
For Science! (And Shareholder Value)
This is where the game’s pitch-black sense of humor truly shines. Your Martian guests don’t just want to see humans eating from troughs (which they do, and it's hilarious) ; they want to see them suffer. The game gives you a whole suite of tools to facilitate this. You build research labs not to cure diseases, but to see what happens when you introduce a boxing machine into a Roman enclosure or replace a human’s limbs with tentacles.
The entire research tree is fueled by this cruelty. You don't just unlock a new teacup ride; you unlock a teacup ride by dissecting a few humans and using their "specimens" in the workshop. I’ll never forget the moment I unlocked a new balloon stand and realized the colorful balloons were… well, let’s just say they’re organic and leave it at that. It’s an incredibly messed-up gameplay loop that had me cackling with glee.
The Red Planet's Bottom Line
Underneath the layers of gore and gags is a surprisingly robust economic simulation. This isn't a game you can just sleepwalk through. Keeping your park profitable is a constant juggling act. You have to manage staff wages, ride maintenance, and the logistics of keeping everything stocked by your little Martian porters.
I found myself obsessing over the efficiency of my food courts and the placement of my janitor stations. The economic balance feels tight but fair; screw up, and you’ll find yourself in a debt spiral faster than a human captive in a centrifuge experiment. It adds a welcome layer of challenge that keeps the moment-to-moment gameplay engaging long after the initial shock value of human torture wears off.
Polished, Not Perfect
Here’s the thing that shocked me the most: for an Early Access title, this game is incredibly solid. I went in expecting a parade of crashes and game-breaking bugs, but my entire time on Mars has been remarkably smooth. The foundation here is rock-solid.
That’s not to say it’s finished. You can feel the Early Access seams. The variety of decorations and rides is a bit thin right now, and the UI, while functional, could definitely use a pass to make it more intuitive. The sound design is also sparse at times, which can undercut the chaotic atmosphere. But these feel less like flaws and more like a to-do list for a development team that has absolutely nailed the core experience.
The Verdict
Mars Attracts is a masterclass in how to use a licensed IP. It doesn't just slap a familiar name on a generic formula; it fully embraces the weird, satirical, and sadistic spirit of Mars Attacks! to create something that feels both nostalgic and refreshingly new. It’s a game where you’ll meticulously design a beautiful habitat for an Ancient Roman, only to immediately install a death ray in the corner to see what happens.
It’s a game that respects your intelligence as a management sim player while also letting you indulge your dumbest, darkest impulses. Despite its Early Access status, it’s already packed with enough charm and addictive gameplay to make it a must-play for fans of the genre. I haven't been this pleasantly surprised by a game all year. Now if you’ll excuse me, my cowboys are looking far too comfortable.
Score: 8.9/10 A grimly hilarious and deeply addictive management sim that proves torturing humans is great for business.
We at NLM received a key for this game for free, this however didn't impact our review in any way.