Escape from Tarkov's Steam Launch Is a Masterclass in How to Piss Off Every Single Player You Have
It's not just a bad launch. It's an innovative new way to clock your "playtime" so you can't get a refund for a game you can't even play.
Well, it finally happened. Escape from Tarkov, the gaming equivalent of a permanent anxiety attack, has hit Steam for its "1.0 release."
And how's it going? In just 24 hours, it's achieved a "Mostly Negative" score with over 14,000 reviews. That's not just bad; that's a speedrun to the bottom of the barrel.
I've seen bad launches. I've seen broken launches. This is something else entirely. This is a work of art.
The Launcher From Hell
The main villain isn't a Scav boss. It's the goddamn launcher.
Battlestate Games, in their infinite wisdom, decided to put a separate, third-party launcher between you and the game you just bought on Steam.
Want to play? You have to click "Play" in Steam, which opens... a login box. This login box requires a separate BSG account.
But you can't make an account, because the website has been down for maintenance since the launch. Or it puts you in a queue. Or it just fails to send a verification email.
It’s a perfect, closed loop of failure.
The 10-Hour "Main Menu"
Here's where it gets really scummy.
While you're sitting there, refreshing the "maintenance" page for hours... that little launcher box is open on your desktop.
And Steam? Steam thinks you're "in-game."
I'm seeing reviews from people with 4, 6, even 14 hours of "playtime" who haven't even seen the main menu, let alone a raid.
By the time they give up and ask for a refund, Steam's two-hour policy just laughs in their face. It's a brilliant, evil, and almost impressive way to trap your customers.
A "Fuck You" to Veterans
But don't worry, new players! BSG hasn't forgotten about their loyal, long-time fans. They're fucking them over, too.
If you're like me and you've been suffering through the standalone client for years, maybe you even bought the €150 "Edge of Darkness" edition, you're getting... nothing.
No Steam key. No "thank you." Just a demand to pay the full price again if you want it in your Steam library. One user who bought the €110 edition plus the PVE DLC is still locked out.
It's a bold move. Alienate your entire potential new audience and kick your most loyal supporters in the teeth, all in one afternoon.
"A Shakespearean Tragedy Written by Drunken Raccoons"
Even if you do get in, the veterans are here to remind you what you're in for.
The reviews are a goldmine of despair. They're not just mad about the launcher; they're mad about the last eight years.
Horrible optimization, silent audio, bugs that phase through reality, and a cheater problem that makes the game a joke.
My personal favorite review just calls the game "a cosmic punishment sent by indifferent gods," and "a Shakespearean tragedy written by drunken raccoons on fire."
Frankly, I couldn't have said it better myself.
This launch is a disaster. It's a technical failure, a PR nightmare, and a genuinely disrespectful move to everyone.
Tarkov is cheaper than Arc Raiders and somehow, in one day, has generated more ill will than most games do in a decade.
I'm going to go play something else. I've already got 10 hours clocked in the launcher, apparently.