Mouse P.I. For Hire: Every Weapon Ranked, and Where the Schematics Should Go
Mouseburg hands out 89 Schematics across its levels, and with 9 needed to fully upgrade a weapon, not every gun in the arsenal earns that investment.
Ten weapons make up the arsenal here, and the gap between the best and worst of them is wide enough that Schematics spent in the wrong place are close to wasted outright. Since levels don't come back around once cleared, a missed Schematic stays missed, which makes the ranking below less about curiosity and more about not burning resources on guns that don't earn them.
Nine Schematics per weapon against 89 available technically covers a full sweep across every upgradable gun, with a small handful left over. In practice that margin is thinner than it looks, since a missed collectible eats straight into it. Two weapons also sidestep the system entirely. The D-Namite and Hellrazor have no upgrade tiers at all, so what they do out of the box is permanent, which is worth keeping in mind while reading through the reasoning below.
The Bottom of the Barrel
10. Mitts
Your fists, and the starting point by technicality only. A few sequences force hand-to-hand combat, and that's the entire reason the Mitts exist. No upgrades, no reason to reach for them otherwise.
9. Portable Freezer
The last weapon unlocked through story progress, and the concept is genuinely solid on paper. Sustain the beam long enough and an enemy freezes completely, opening a damage window with no return fire. The problem is it doesn't kill anything by itself. Freezing sets up a second step, a kick or a weapon swap, and that two-part process fights against a game built around constant movement. Each upgrade tier speeds up the freeze rather than adding damage, the right call design-wise, but it doesn't fix the underlying issue. Fine for locking down one tough target mid-fight. Not worth Schematics otherwise.
8. Loose Cannon
Earns a real moment in the mini-boss fight built around breaking walls, and the Alt-Fire, which charges the shot into scattering shrapnel, is its best trick against grouped enemies. Outside that scenario, the reload speed is brutal in a game that otherwise moves fast. Full upgrades add real improvements, more damage, wider blast, better pushback, but the D-Namite already handles wall-breaking for zero Schematic cost, which makes investing here hard to justify.
The Middle Ground
7. Kiss Kiss
Arrives right after enough time with the Boomstick to make the comparison unflattering. Fire damage on every shell and a burn effect that keeps ticking after the shot lands are both strong, and the Alt-Fire, a heavy explosive round with fire splash, is the weapon at its best. The two-shell limit before reload undercuts all of it though, turning nearly every use into a minor inconvenience. Skip it if the Boomstick's already upgraded.
6. Jar-Head
Earns points on personality alone, a tiny brain in a jar firing rings of energy, occasionally talking to you mid-fight. The stun effect handles standard enemies well, and Tier 1 immediately unlocks an Alt-Fire beam capable of headshot kills that make enemy heads explode outright, which is where this weapon actually justifies its spot on the list. The stun does nothing against bosses, so leaning on it heading into a boss fight is a mistake. Worth Tier 1 for the Alt-Fire. Going further is optional.
The Weapons That Do Real Work
5. D-Namite
Never gets equipped in the traditional sense. It sits in the offhand slot, throws on command without interrupting whatever's currently drawn, and handles walls, shields, and grouped enemies in one motion. Zero Schematics required because there's nothing to upgrade, which makes it pure value. Not a primary tool, but it patches gaps everywhere else.
4. Hellrazor
The game leaning fully into its DOOM influence and not blinking, a chainsaw built from bones that clears close range with real authority, helped along by bone projectiles thrown mid-swing that give it more reach than melee weapons usually get. No upgrades, no Alt-Fire, none needed given the base power already on offer. The one real downside is noise, since it stays audible even holstered, standing out more than it should in a game whose sound design otherwise pulls a lot of weight.
3. Devarnisher
Announces itself early as something different, acid globs that stick and keep dealing damage over time even after attention's moved to another target. Each upgrade tier adds more projectiles, meaning more acid coverage per shot as investment goes in, and the Tier 1 Alt-Fire, a detonating acid blob with area toxic damage, turns it from a single-target tool into something that can coat a whole group at once. Against bosses, the sustained damage keeps ticking even during the windows spent dodging, which makes it arguably the most reliable damage source in the game once the projectile arc is dialed in.
2. Boomstick
Shows up almost immediately and never really steps aside for the rest of the campaign. Single-shot, close-range, hits hard enough to drop most standard enemies outright, and its upgrades solve its actual weaknesses instead of just padding damage numbers. Tier 2 doubling the clip size changes the entire rhythm of using it, from the usual shoot-wait-reload cadence into something closer to constant fire. Tier 3 lets shots pierce three enemies in a line, which in corridors full of funneled enemies turns into a routine multikill. The only reason it isn't the top pick is that something else covers more ground across more situations.
1. James Gun
Mouseburg's take on the Tommy Gun, played so straight it comes back around to feeling essential. Best rate of fire in the game, best ammo capacity, and because the game anticipates constant use, it's also the most commonly found ammo type on missions, keeping it usable more often than anything else in the loadout. Every upgrade tier improves damage, clip size, and max ammo while tightening spread and recoil, so each Schematic spent here directly reinforces what the weapon's already doing. Reload time is its one real weakness, solved simply by swapping to the Boomstick while it cycles and coming back once it's ready.
